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Submitted on
July 28, 2012
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The problem.

Sometimes, I have to rinse my mouth out because of that. I still have their taste on my tongue. Hers and his and yours.

(Especially yours.)

I can't get rid of this and start scratching my tongue with the sharpest words I can find.

Piano Strings. Thorns. Glass. Edges. Fear.  Grasp. Coldness. Heart ache. Claws. Saturn. Lemons. Tango Argentino. Summer Camp. Lips. Beer. Razors.

But now the taste is a composition of other peoples' souls and an aeruginous copper coin.

Like tea brewed with sewerage and withered moments. That and 300 grams full of blood.

I try to fight fire with petrol and end up in an uncomfortable faint. Deep inside this labyrinth [made of scratches and furrows]. It is the maze of my dreams. And my hands are filthy and viscid from what I found in their shadows and corners.

I'm lost. . . a g a i n.

The solution.

Lock me up in my core, where everything is possible except an escape.
"Soul Splinters.. No, not really." Thanks, Dorian, but I took another title.
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:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2012  Student Writer
Captivating.
Reply
:iconmrskphoto:
Mrskphoto Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Professional Photographer
I love this
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:iconblueribbonredneck:
BlueRibbonRedneck Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very interesting piece! I admire your writing style. I like the 'monologue'-type piece, and the way you wrote it. It's raw, pure, the way literature should be :thumbsup:
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I really like this, is wonderfully written. I feel like I can really g e t what the character is feeling.
Good job! :love:
Reply
:iconmegilar:
Megilar Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are all crazy. So many nice comments.. This is.. wow. And then you gave me one of this shiny little stars :+fav: I'm really glad that you like it and that I wrote it in such a way everyone can feels what the character feels. Thank you very much.

Raise your teacup,
Alexis
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
D'aww :aww:
I'm really happy to hear you appreciate the comments, isn't this great? I love it when artists have thier days made by others.
Reply
:iconmegilar:
Megilar Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So we're both happy xD That's a win-win-situation ;)
Reply
:iconohio-writer:
ohio-writer Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2012  Student Writer
The most standout part of your piece is the setup. Here you have a lot fragments that are literally chopped apart and set out for the audience. What strikes so well with setting the piece up like this is that makes the idea of memories more punctuated. That being of course that memories are piece of information, while separate in their own lights, combine together to make that mental storehouse.

The flow does take a bit of a hit in that regards, but for justifying reasons. As mentioned before, the arrangement of fragmented pieces make this piece seem more like a collection of pained memories. I feel that is quite a nice stylistic device in that respect, one that may get passed over by a casual reader, but is a neat part of building this piece. On those lines there is some difficult wordage that adds a bit of mystic to the piece. While such terms may not be out of everyone's lexicon, it does make the wording a bit esoteric in that respect at least. Although I must say, your choices were still done nicely.

I personally enjoy piece with unique setups, and this has a lot of that vibe. The idea is a bit overdone, but your presentation takes this usually banal concept and presents it in a newer light.

One small bit is the line in the eighth stanza. There are two independent clauses that read a bit rougher when I went through it. As is, the piece works well, but I do wish to make a small suggestion if you would like. Perhaps test a semicolon there after the brackets and period to unite the clauses in a less abrupt way. Other than that I have no other queries on the construction.

Overall nicely done; it was a great addition to the group. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2012  Student Writer
O_O This is fantastic. The overwhelming of the senses, the inability to forget and hide from reality, the lost and near helpless feeling that leads to just hiding away from everything but yourself. It's really just wow.
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:iconmegilar:
Megilar Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Another :+fav:, I love all of them.. and such a nice comment. I love this stories with their zero point at the theme core. But it's always a great mess to write about, as it's such a close, such a near thing. I'm happy that I managed to write it well.

Maybe it's like we all are teapots. The patina of the teas we taste will stay nearly forever on our inside.

Thank you very much and raise your teacup, or pot ;)

Alexis
Reply
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